Category: Let's talk
With all the cutesy froot loop quotes that go around on Facebook, a brother and I sometimes exchange misquoted sayings usually flung around like sugar-coated pooh, and it can be rather fun to do.
So, here's the first couple:
It takes 60 muscles to frown, 30 to smile, BUT ONLY 5 TO SMACK SOMEONE UPSIDE THE HEAD!
While they said it could not be done, it was done ... and then proceeded to burn, stinking up the house!
Have a nice day...or, go screw yourself. Whatever!
If life hands you mellons, you're dislexic.
One of the most annoying recent trends in fluffy-bunny aphorisms is the "dance like nobody is watching" formula. You can play with endless variations on this, even making nonsense, just connect two verbs with the phrase "like nobody is" or "like you don't have" or "like you're not" or similar things and off you go. I used to spoof e-mail forwards by either adding sarcastic asides or actually modifying them. One that comes to mind is.
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Because I said so is a reason. Shit happens is yet another reason.
To the world you're just one person, but to one person you're a pretty good candidate for being stalked.
Good friends are like, oh shit, um, hang on, I have to think of this great wonderful poetic metaphor telling you what good friends are like, I mean, what with you being ignorant of the whole subject and all, and what with you needing me to tell you such things or else your entire day is ruined and you'll be slitting your wrists out of the sheer knowledge that you don't know what good friends are like, and we haven't even gotten to best friends yet which is a whole other matter, oh fuck, I have to think up that one too for you, for Christ's sake how the hell do you people get up in the morning without people having to go and tell you these things, oh holy shit what the hell was it, I thought I wrote it down someplace, hang on ...
And have you seen the one saying something to the effect of, "I asked God to bless every person in my contact list, so you've been blessed. share the love." There's something about knocking on Heaven's door in there somewhere as well.
All these have been awesome!
If first you don't succeed, maybe you should admit defeat and move on.
When life hands you lemons, there's always Tequila.
Better to give than to receive: So I'm giving you the opportunity to give that to me.
When life hands you lemons, ask it why in tarnation it wanders around randomly giving people lemons instead of doing something a bit more worthwhile that might make some kind of sense? OK, you gave me lemons. You want an award, what, I just dunno how to act here, clue me in!
Godzilla, you're hillarious. Thanks for the multiple laughs, which aren't as good as multiple orgasms, but oh well.
My only explanation is that I must be well-stocked in smart-ass pills.
Keep on writing! Fantastic posts! Hahaha!
I found a nice bumper crop of these, excerpted from one of my chain letter parodies. Best swallow your beverage of choice before reading else your keyboard will suffer.
1. I love you not because of who you are, but because you owe me money! Pay up!
2. No man or woman is worth your tears,so make everyone else cry while
you're laughing and smiling like you're supposed to.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean your efforts at stalking and manipulation aren't working. Keep trying!
4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and doesn't flinch at
your cold, clammy touch.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing
you can't have them because your shrinking ray broke again.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because negative emotions are just
yucky! Besides, seeing you depressed is entertaining for us.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you're an easy
target.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to let you keep
your killer fire ant collection.
9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right
one,because he's having some good laughs watching you screw up.
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because you can plot revenge.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you, so what you have to do
is plan an even more evil conspiracy.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you write this
e-mail. Then don't send it because nobody asked you for your advice.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come after a good bout of whining.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. BECAUSE I SAID SO IS A
REASON.
Speaking of bumper stickers:
"I've tripped, and I can't Come Down,"
For those old enough to remember the original life alert commercials for seniors that sayd "I've fallen, and I can't get up!"
Here's a suggestion for any folks who desire to parody inspirational stuff. Since it is assumed most people believe in a life form called a god whose name happens to be God, you'll most likely receive a lot of material that make reference to this life form, so one thing you can do is replace all occurrances of the name of this god with your favorite uplifting substance, be it chocolate, coffee, beer, marijuana, etc. Do it even if the result is nonsense.
Learn from your parents mistakes, use birth control.
Love your enimies… it pisses them off.
I’m not sure what’s wrong… but it’s probably your fault.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I don’t desire to learn?
I’m blonde… what’s your excuse?
You can have everything you want in life...as long as you don't want anything you can't have.